“Not All Friends Are Sisters — And That’s Okay”
Recently, a client texted me on my business line regarding my Friends for Your Future podcast episode. In this episode, I discuss my struggles with friendships and their significance in shaping my future. Those childhood bonds to adult connections determined my confidence (or lack thereof) and professional trajectory. Let me give you a spoiler: I’m no longer in sisterhood with 90% of those “friends.”
Back to my client’s message that rang out those words we often use, “I thought I was the only one going through this,” when, in fact, we rarely are the only ones to go through anything. Unfortunately, harmful and sometimes embarrassing experiences can make you feel like you’re living in a silo. Let me tell you, any friendship challenges you’re experiencing; I’ve more than likely experienced them; you are not alone.
Definition of Friend vs Sister
Recently, I hosted 10 ladies at my second (not annual) Galentine’s in Luxe event. (Insert picture). During lunch, curated by Chef G, we were educated on sensuality by Dr. Jeshana Johnson and led through a scented experience by Jo Malone London’s South Coast Plaza’s boutique Manager (a Black woman). During our dessert course, over crème brûlée, I led a conversation where I shared synonyms for friendship and sisterhood.
Now that I’ve laid the foundation, let me ask you: What do you desire, friendship or sisterhood? For me, I ONLY want sisterhood. Friendships are more like acquaintances, and I do not have the time or capacity for either. But keep reading so you can see why I’m over the word “friend.”
Storytime: I was recently at church, and someone came to me and said, “I have been intentionally not speaking to you for FIVE YEARS because you did not attend my baby shower.” Now, this person went on to tell me they saw me as a FRIEND and were disappointed for FIVE YEARS and opted to ignore me. Now listen, I was just as shocked as you because it caught me off guard, and I was very confused. I was confused because, after the baby shower, this same person came to my home for our annual Christmas party (pre-pandemic) and had a funky good time with her husband. As she shared her reason for intentionally ignoring me, all I could think was, why is she telling me this? It is none of my business that she intentionally was not speaking to me, and the why was equally unimportant.
After she left, I concluded my conversation with one of my favorite church members and waited for my husband to exit the sanctuary. I started thinking about the synonyms of friendship vs sisterhood and why sisterhood is more important to me. I wonder, would someone who shares a collective bond of sisterhood with you opt to ignore you when you did not attend their baby shower? Sidebar: I told her I could not attend because I was going through a lot with my Master of Public Health program at UCLA (being the only Black American in a collegiate program is not easy, let me tell you). A sister should understand this and be in alliance with you as a member of your community while fellowshipping with feminism and solidarity as your guide (scroll up and read the synonyms to see how I comprised that sentence).
Once I processed the entire encounter, I felt SO WHAT! I am in a season where my skin is clear; I’ve almost lost the 20 lbs I gained due to Hashimotos. I’m the CEO of two organizations and have a lifestyle brand and familial and personal responsibilities. Why in the world would I desire to concern myself with why someone is not speaking to me? Even if I did not have all of my beautiful life experiences, I really should not concern myself because I would need to focus on elevating my life.
Why is this important; let me tell you why!
When we consume what others, especially those that we call friends, dump on us, we allow ourselves to become a landfill. Now, listen: Should someone tell you how you made them feel? Yes, they absolutely should. This is not that type of situation. Someone dumped why they were behaving a certain way toward me, and THAT is not my business; I actually do not care.
This is where we circle back to friendship vs. sisterhood and what we desire from a sister vs. a friend. Protecting your peace has become a cliché, but really, is it a necessity? Only you can determine what that looks like as you navigate your relationships. What I can tell you is that if you dump on me, I’m going to blog about it.
Alicia Coulter, MPH, MSW, is the author of Safe Spaces for Black Women and the founder of AHN Foundation and Harmony Development Associates. She is dedicated to creating affirming spaces for Black women through her lifestyle brand, the Alicia Nicole Experience, through education and advocacy. Follow her for insights on sisterhood, wellness, and personal growth. Connect with her by texting “sis” to 855.940.1486.
